Hi, Trev—
I think your advice to condense and tighten the piece was very good. I cut a third of the lines and tried to sharpen the focus.
I reconsidered Alex’s advice to lose the profanity and decided that it probably was more of a reflection of my own anger than Democracy’s, and it cost her a loss of dignity, so I cut it, along with some unnecessary elaboration on the contrast between Democracy and Liberty. Besides, the reader will conclude that tyrants’ patriotic acts are shit without my having to tell them.
I left out the “the” in “I can’t fix [the] dead” because I wanted it to echo with the old saying, “You can’t fix stupid.” It’s a way of calling supporters of anti-democratic dictators stupid without having to name-call. I also kept the last line long because I liked the /h/ alliteration that imitates letting out a frustrated breath.
Thanks very much much for the helpful suggestions.
Glenn
|