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Quick drive-by notes:
I don't know which I like better: the tightened revision or the more expansive original.
I still think you can come up with a better title.
The opening line of the revision has an unmistakeable echo of The Rolling Stones' Symphony For The Devil.
I miss this line in the original:
more fragile than a sheet of ancient parchment.
There is a bluntness to it that keeps on hitting. It punches hard and glistens with grittiness. Like Julie said, "you kept surprising me in line after line."
I have no specific suggestions regarding word choice, etc. I just like it. It's written with intensity and its got a timbre to it that feels like it came straight from the well of inspiration.
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