[Matt Q]

Hi Cameron,

Lots to like here: I think you work the bird motif well, the students paralleling the birds in their song, if perhaps less melodiously. The N in his birdcage. I like also that this an aubade, and the N is either caged and hence going nowhere, or if he's leaving, then his captor has succeeded in wrenching him into love (since that was the condition of release), and that's the point at which he leaves.

S1, I wonder if you need "cathedral". I'm not sure if it's adding much. And if you cut it, I'd say it's almost implied anyway.

The repetition of "melodious screaming" isn't really working for me. It's a strong phrase, but I'd say use it once or it loses its impact. Or vary it somehow. If the first occurrence were "a more melodious singing" for example, you might have more parallel with the birds, and the second occurrence would undermine this. Though whether that works for you may depend on whether or not it's only the N who's screaming, or all the boys/children at school.

As it stands:

to learn more melodious screaming

is ambiguous in its meaning in a way that detracts from rather than adding to the poem. Is "more" modifying "melodious", or does it mean "additional/further"? If the former, adding "a" before "more" would clarify also and make the line more iambic.

I don't like the bracketed exclamation mark. It brings to mind a humorous text message or tweet, since that's the only sort of place I see this sort of usage. As such it seems at odds with the rest of the poem.

I wonder why you have "bird of you" and "bird-of-you"? Both seem to be the same part of speech.

S2, typo "their's" -> "theirs"

best,

Matt