Hi,
Chelsea and
Richard—
Thank you both for your useful comments.
Chelsea—Welcome to the ‘Sphere! I’m looking forward to reading some of your original work. I reworked S8L3 in order to put an unambiguously unstressed syllable in front of “difficult.” Hopefully that will resolve the metrical problem in that line.
Quote:
Originally Posted by Richard G
And, just so I'm clear, a father is complaining that his son isn't getting enough game time, while the kid is playing the game? Or does 'ice time' mean something else?
The father wants his son promoted to the first line so he will have more playing time.
The conclusion feels like a moral that's been tacked on for ... who knows why? I don't think the poem needs it.
This, I think, is a very helpful observation. Several readers have commented that the last two lines seem to come out of nowhere. They also felt that the title didn’t add much to guide the reader.
Accordingly, I thought about how the poem presented steps in the learning process, and how some learners seem to be unable to move from one skill to the next, more difficult skill. The first few stanzas focus on physical/athletic skills, the last few on sportsmanship. I changed the title to point the reader in this direction. Hopefully it made the poem more unified and helped the last stanza to seem less disconnected. I was sorry to lose my tip-of-the-hat to Wordsworth’s “My Heart Leaps Up,” but it was a necessary sacrifice, I think.
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I appreciate both of you taking the time to share your responses and suggestions with me. I understand that some readers will find the last two lines “telly,” and after more consideration, I may conclude that they need to go, but I hope the most recent adjustments will mitigate that objection somewhat.
Glenn