Hello, Cameron,
This offers a lot to unpack and rationalize—starting with the form, which strikes me more as free verse than metrical, given the lack of a consistent stanzaic or line pattern, and the inclusion of the ampersand, which is more typical of free verse than traditional forms.
On the content level, “smirking with sleep” gave me pause—smirking doesn’t quite feel like something one does while asleep. Perhaps it’s meant to convey something dreamlike or groggy? Similarly, the connection between “school” and “the poised baroque / cathedral of shrillnesses” is intriguing but unclear—some clarification or build-up might help ground that metaphor.
Also, I found “the show” in line 2 ambiguous. Is it a performance by the birds? If so, perhaps clarifying with “their show” or something similarly specific would help.
Still, there’s a lot here that’s evocative—particularly in the final stanza. With a bit more tightening and connection between the elements, I think this could be even more powerful. And some more metrical regularity might also help.
Good luck with the next draft, Cameron!
Cheers,
…Alex
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