This is effective. The "bow to battle" is a strong description of the encounter's start. The ending, shifting to the new buck's pov, is also strong.
The title describes both the mating competition and the pattern in which we're all trapped, our inevitable decline.
Some places to think about
:
- "sick" desire doesn't sound accurate.
- The tongue "tired as a dying fish" feels awkward; it's not the tongue that is tired.
- The line about the opponent's will feels like a shift into the opponent's pov. I think this is our hero's imagining of the opponent's mind, but as I read it, I felt myself being put into the opponent's mind, awkward at the moment, and even more to be avoided given the ending--that shift in pov will be more powerful if we've been firmly in the one buck's pov until then.
FWIW.