Hey Alex,
Thanks for your input. With sick desire, I was thinking of Yeats's "sick with desire". If I can find an alternative that works as well without the connotation of pathology, I'll go for it.
I do want to keep the sense of the animal feeling pathetic (though not necessarily the speaker of the poem viewing it as pathetic). I take it you found the speaker was imagining this rather than the animal itself? Maybe some other wording will convey it.
Similarly, I do kind of want a sense of the anthropomorphic in this case (I often don't want it), as I think some of these feelings are common to both species, but maybe "This recollection" instead of "this thought" would make it work better?
Many thanks, Alex. I appreciate your thoughts.
Trev
Quote:
Originally Posted by Alex Pepple
Hello, Trevor,
You’ve captured this primal showdown in the wild quite vividly. There’s something cinematic in the structure and pacing that draws the reader in and gives real momentum to the conflict.
A few moments gave me pause:
In “of sick desire to prove his strength,” I wonder whether “sick” is quite right for what’s arguably a natural and instinctive drive. Perhaps something like “raw,” “feral,” or “primal” would convey the urgency and danger without implying unnaturalness or pathology.
Similarly, in the phrase “and leave him lonely, / pathetic, / wandering,” there’s a layering of subjective descriptors that might lean too far into projection. “Pathetic” in particular feels too judgmental of what’s otherwise a deeply instinctual moment. Removing it might let the line breathe more and leave interpretation to the reader.
Also, in “This thought,” we enter an inner consciousness that feels very human—perhaps a bit too anthropomorphic for the scene. Recasting that moment in terms of instinct or reaction rather than cognition might maintain the wildness and tension more effectively.
That said, the poem offers a powerful evocation of nature’s hierarchy and drama. I hope some of these thoughts prove useful!
Cheers,
...Alex
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