Hi Max,
Thanks for your thoughts on this. Yes, I'm looking for an alternative for "sick". Good point about the tongue, and yes, it's too awkward. The point about the POV shifting kind of makes sense in one way, although I think it could also pass for an external perception of how the opponent fights. I'll look for a way to get it across without causing potential confusion/a shift in POV, or I'll leave it out. Maybe something simple like "his opponent jabs / with enough strength to take them all"? I do feel like it might be missing something, though, without referring directly to the opponent's determination.
Thanks again, Max.
Trev
Quote:
Originally Posted by Max Goodman
This is effective. The "bow to battle" is a strong description of the encounter's start. The ending, shifting to the new buck's pov, is also strong.
The title describes both the mating competition and the pattern in which we're all trapped, our inevitable decline.
Some places to think about : - "sick" desire doesn't sound accurate.
- The tongue "tired as a dying fish" feels awkward; it's not the tongue that is tired.
- The line about the opponent's will feels like a shift into the opponent's pov. I think this is our hero's imagining of the opponent's mind, but as I read it, I felt myself being put into the opponent's mind, awkward at the moment, and even more to be avoided given the ending--that shift in pov will be more powerful if we've been firmly in the one buck's pov until then.
FWIW. |