Hello, Julie,
This is really skillful work. You've done an excellent job mirroring the typical Spanish extended, difficult rhyme pattern of the original while retaining clarity and natural flow. Most lines feel organic, and your handling of tone and sensual suggestion is particularly graceful.
Still, I have a few thoughts that might help refine it further:
- In the second quatrain, the enjambment between the first and second lines feels a bit awkward, and “Its breast's a tasty gift” lands somewhat heavily. Hilary already pointed out the tonal oddity of “tasty,” which I agree with—it may come off as too casual for the tone you're cultivating. Perhaps something like:
“Gifts breasts of tasty flesh so balm intense,
presented to the wakened palate right,”
… or something else that restores fluidity and enhances the sonics.
- In the first tercet, the repeated “its / it / its” constructions begin to feel slightly static. Perhaps there’s an opportunity to vary the structure to enhance the rhythm and sense. For example:
“The carmine of its seams in full display,
pours out the finery of their perfumed play,
with juice that's offered like a precious prize.
… or something similarly dynamic or better.
- Regarding the final tercet, your interpretation of the erotic spiral of the peel is compelling. The image is evocative even without a literal logic or strict anatomical parallel—and I think Hilary is right that it doesn’t need to be a one-to-one correspondence. Still, that final image is where the sensual intensity peaks, and your English maintains it effectively. Still, I’m wondering about the abstract “charm.” Could something more concrete like “sleeves,” or something else along those lines, enhance the sentiments?
All in all, this is a highly successful and sophisticated translation. I hope you find something helpful here as you continue refining—it’s a pleasure to read!
Cheers,
…Alex