Thanks for the responses. I have posted a revision that addresses some of the technical issues.
Jim, I apologize for the misdirection of the cover title, which was just a nod to my initial inspiration and the timing of the poem. Let's work with the poem I produced, not the one I thought I was heading toward.
Yves, you nailed it. But the purpose of a workshop is to look at what was produced and see how it can be improved.
Roger, thanks for the suggestion. I decided to take a slightly different tack, but your comment was helpful.
Hilary, I agree that that line was repetitive. I have tried reworking it to point up the difference between being drained of energy and giving up what one owns. I am glad to hear that the title was enough of a tip to justify the last line, in your opinion. I want to downplay the Biblical underpinnings of the poem in general, but "cross" can be both literal and metaphorical.
David, I have moved away from the poem's original intentions. I still mean the poem's last line to come as a shock, but more as a metaphor than as a reality. One can wind up on a front page for a wide range of reasons, but a cross always signifies something bad. Firstborn children are often high achievers, but their relations with their parents are often fraught. A few days ago, a friend, speaking of her oldest brother, said that in her parents' eyes "he could do no right and I could do no wrong."
Susan
|