[Alex Pepple]

Hello, Susan,

I like your clearer, less convoluted syntax in response to Yves’s take. Still, I think it could be even clearer. So, here are some potential reworkings toward a more relaxed, conversational tone:

You focus on them fixedly, the first
part of you that’s gone yet stays alive,
the way your hand might crawl and cry and thirst,
relying on your care just to survive,

for more direct and smoother phrasing.

though outside your control. Maybe you’re cursed,

If you are the one troubled by their actions, then it's arguably you who might be cursed.

subjected to their whims. For them to thrive,
in sacrifice you save, get funds disbursed
to smooth their way, ensuring they'll arrive.

This version is more direct and active, using phrasing like “in sacrifice” rather than (the tellier) “you sacrifice,” and “get funds disbursed” to preserve concision and clarity.

The firstborn is the most restrained by friction
between the parents’ pride, control, and loss:
sometimes rebellious, sometimes in the wrong,
opting for choices breeding your affliction,
they stumble through to where they can belong:
they’re front-page news or they’re nailed to a cross.

Here, too, I’d suggest toning down the absolutes—e.g., “always” to “sometimes”—for greater realism and balance, and leaning more toward showing and metaphor than telling.

Good luck with the sonnet, Susan. I hope you find something helpful here!

Cheers,
...Alex