Hi, Matt—
I think “years . . . as nymphs, crawling in slime” adequately evokes the suffering. The point of the piece is the brevity of the time of happiness purchased by the years of misery. It’s a simple idea not deserving more than about six lines.
Roger pointed out, appropriately, the unfairness of the stereotype of fashion model as irresponsible hedonist. The two-sentence solution does not completely remove this innuendo, but it does, I think, make the simile clearer.
“Eschewing” has an antiquated feeling and “fasting” has religious overtones, both of which I would prefer to avoid (although the additional /f/ in “fasting” is tempting).
Thanks for continuing to provide helpful suggestions.
Glenn
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