Hi Jim,
I found the delay a bit excessive in both stanzas. I think you could counteract it by bringing in the "I" earlier in both stanzas. For example:
Sometimes, when I take an evening stroll,
and a deer steps from the edge of woods, and we join eyes,
or a cottontail zigzags slowly through clover unafraid, or
industrious bees have stayed late at work
I do not hear the city behind me,
or mind the animals’ unnatural familiarity...
[You'd have to add new material here if you feel the need to keep it as a sonnet]
Sometimes, after a trying day of wasted thought,
after opening stacked boxes of stale time,
after looking up to clouds petaling salmon...
I bow my head after listening
to my own footfalls cadencing through grass,
and have no need for chasing words.
Trev
Quote:
Originally Posted by Jim Ramsey
Sanctity
Sometimes, when I take an evening stroll,
and a deer steps from the edge of woods, and we join eyes,
or a cottontail zigzags slowly through clover unafraid, or
industrious bees have stayed late at work
digging pollen from the rhododendron blooms
along the creek’s roll of shoulder,
I do not hear the city behind me,
or mind the animals’ unnatural familiarity.
Sometimes, after a trying day of wasted thought,
after opening stacked boxes of stale time,
after looking up to clouds petaling salmon
against a purpling sky, after listening
to my own footfalls cadencing through grass,
I bow my head and have no need of chasing words.
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