Quote:
Originally Posted by Glenn Wright
My objective was to present a powerfully affecting and heart-rending scene for humans as merely an opportunity for aesthetic appreciation by the gods whose utter indifference to the tragedy is unnerving.
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I think that's a worthwhile and interesting aim, I just don't think you've achieved it yet. I know that "show don't tell" is a cliche, but in this case I feel like you're telling me what I'm seeing and it doesn't quite work. Show me. Break the language open to make it accommodate the image you're communicating.