Hello, Glenn,
I'm happy to see you've revised this, taking into account the alternating 7-5-7-5 syllabic pattern of the stanzas Julie pointed out. Now, your tetrameter-trimeter alternation is a better justification for your indentation pattern than just rhyme alone. Also, the cadence aligns better with the original. And thanks for providing the crib, which I couldn't find initially.
The translation itself is well done, and it's pretty faithful to the original but for the occasional liberties here and there—unavoidable in such a translation. For instance, with:
Morirás con la aurora,
flor de la muerte,
te rechaza la vida
¡qué hermosa suerte!
you have:
You will die with light of dawn,
death’s blossom, you wait,
wretched life rejecting you—
What a lovely fate!
where "... you wait" is extra, for rhyme, and not really there in the original. Still, even in with that, "death's blossom at the gate" might be closer in meaning and with smoother meter.
Overall, great job with the translation, Glenn!
Cheers,
...Alex