Hello, Yves,
This is the first poem of yours I’ve seen. It’s well put together sonnet, and I like what you’re doing with it. Still, I have some issues here and there with it:
“I hear the bee / Across the fields” – to hear a bee across the fields doesn’t sound credible to me. It seems something that requires superhuman hearing. Maybe, across the ‘yard’ or ‘lawn’, etc. I’d probably go with ‘lawn’ for the alliteration with ‘lands’ in the next line.
“How soft it lands! How soft you land on me!” – this feels to me like too much hyperbole. Maybe tone down the second part? E.g., “As soft, you land on me.”
“How much can be extracted hour by hour?” – this feels ambiguous as I’m missing the ‘what’ is unclear. Maybe, “How much essence/honey to extract hour by hour?”
“I calmed to watch you hover and delay,” – this sounds somewhat stilted. Maybe, “I’m calmed ….”?
“Anticipating all that waiting weight,” – sounds strange to me. If you want the word play of ‘wait’ and ‘weight’, maybe something more natural-sounding… e.g., echoing somewhat the logic of the octet, “Awaiting for her to regift her weight”, or better.
“While wondering exactly what can sate / My open-flowered need.” – I’m not loving on “open-flowered” in this context, as it sounds forced. Maybe something better visualized, such as “my flower’s blooming need” … or better?
‘Before you tire and your skin says “no". – First, a small matter of proper styling, e.g., per Chicago Manual of Style and others, the period should appear before the closing quote. Additionally, I’m sold on the “skin” saying “no.” Maybe, continue with the “bee” imagery? – ‘Before you tire and your buzz means “no.”’ … Or something along those lines.
It’s coming along well, Yves. I hope you find something here that’s helpful as you revise!
Cheers,
…Alex
|