Hello, David,
This is a model of minimalism—nicely done! With just a few small tweaks, I think it could be even stronger:
- I agree with Julie that there's no need to echo the title within the poem. Starting with something like “A swoosh, straight through…” keeps things tighter and more immediate.
- That said, I’m not quite with Michael on removing Bede’s sparrow. I believe it provides another layer of meaning and interpretation that further enriches the otherwise playful image, infusing a sense of the metaphysical.
Well done, David!
Cheers,
...Alex