Hi Jim,
I like the first 3 stanzas of the new version, which draw out the detail a bit more, but not so keen on the rest. It just seems to take things off in an unnecessary direction to me. I would look at focusing on the first three stanzas and maybe drawing things out even a little more.
I don't think you need so many speech tags ("she sing-songs", "I sigh", "I say", "she says", etc.). I think the poem would flow better without most of them. Trust the reader to understand who is speaking.
I think "Jam" and "Her Jam" are both better than your new title
Trev
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