Hello Harry,
Thanks for mentioning
Taco Bell Quarterly as your inspiration - that context adds another interesting dimension to your work! I'll definitely check it out.
I find myself agreeing with Max's observation about the shift after the fifth stanza. The poem's strength lies in how effectively you blend war imagery with childhood/suburban elements in the first half. That juxtaposition creates a powerful tension that could be maintained more consistently through the second half.
Regarding your comment about "finding the line between showing and telling," I have a few thoughts that might help refine the latter half:
- Grounding the surreal: Even surreal elements need anchoring. The "cirrocumulus intercom" and the fast-food order sequence could benefit from subtle connections to the established imagery. Perhaps a sensory detail that links back to the earlier scenes?
- Line breaks as guide rails: You mentioned working on intentional line breaks in stanzas 5-6. Consider how these breaks might guide the reader through the transition from concrete play-fighting to the more abstract fast-food/cosmic imagery.
- Parallel development: Since you're working with dual narratives (play and war), perhaps the second half could mirror this structure more explicitly - with each surreal element having both a childlike and a sinister interpretation.
- Tightening the Saturn image: The Saturn reference is intriguing but comes somewhat unexpectedly. You might consider adding a subtle celestial reference earlier in the poem to prepare for this shift in scale.
What strikes me as most promising is how the "sugary eucharist" transforms a commercial product into something sacred and ritualistic. This transformation echoes how children's play transforms everyday objects into props for their imaginary worlds - and simultaneously how war transforms ordinary landscapes into battlefields.
I think with some refinement to maintain the coherence between your parallel narratives, the second half could achieve the same powerful effect as the first five stanzas.
Looking forward to seeing how the poem evolves!
Cheers,
…Alex