Hello, Glenn,
There’s now more tense agreement and less confusion with the revision—after the historic present of line one, all that follow is consistent in the past tense.
“High expanse” could be more specific and thus more relatable and vivid, e.g., a “nearby mound/hill.”
There’s still the redundancy of “after his death” <-> “when he was gone”—I feel the latter doesn’t need to restate what’s already been presented one line earlier.
The rest look strengthened and improved. Well done, Glenn!
Cheers,
…Alex
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