Thank you, Alex and Glenn.
Alex, your insightful comments are reassuring me that my intentions are at least mostly coming through. I had changed the "what might be ahead" line but have changed it back for now.
On the "sounding grim," that is another area I've struggled with, for exactly the reason you point out - it might contrast too much with what follows. I've tried out other words there but didn't love any of them. I wanted the suggestion that she has woken him up and he is initially disgruntled or not fully awake. "Grim" isn't quite right ... I will keep thinking about alternatives.
Glenn, it hadn't actually occurred to me that they were separated or divorced in the second scenario, but that is certainly a possible reading. Interesting thought.
|