Thread: Pentecost
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Unread 05-11-2025, 09:31 AM
Roger Slater Roger Slater is offline
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This is quite good, maybe the best of yours that I've seen. I have almost no suggestions, but I do have a couple of thoughts for possible very minor tweaks.

Consider ending L1 with a comma and then deleting "was" from L2. Or change L2 to something like "my father's face aglow with loving light."

In S3, "far into" could be better. It's fine, but arguably a bit fillerish. Perhaps something like "The wind would lift its body to the sky"? Or find an adverb to fill the meter. Or just keep what you have, which isn't really a problem.

In S4, is "strings" correct? Wouldn't there only be one string? What you have is probably fine. I only noted this possible issue after reading this several times, and I'm not at all sure it's something that needs fixing.

Nice job!
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