I actually like both versions. With the original, I didn't think of dementia (although I can see why Alessio did), rather that the N is remembering the days when he picked up his children from that school. I think the first version has a sense of spontaneity about it that is more compelling, in some ways, than the revision.
If you decide to stick with the revision though, I would find a way to bring "hopscotch" back in. I read the revision first and was wracking my brain trying to think what the blacktop's crucifixes could be - I thought maybe some weird structure I wasn't familiar with - and reading the first version immediately clarified that for me.
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