Hi,
Jim and
Trevor—
Thank you both for your thoughtful and generous responses.
Jim—Thanks for sticking with me on this piece. I understand how “bowed” could be jarring, but I am inclined to keep it because it suggests that the father recognizes that the kite flying with his son has a spiritual, almost sacramental significance. His bowing allows him to catch his breath, but also reverences the moment.
The issue of verb tense in this poem is something I’m still thinking through. I’ll take your suggestion under advisement.
Trev—Thanks for the encouragement and the detailed critique.
Quote:
Originally Posted by Trevor Conway
I feel like it's lacking an ending, or maybe the second stanza would be a more suitable ending.
My thinking is that the final image, evoking the Pentecost story in the Acts of the Apostles, provides a parallel that serves as a conclusion.
The memory of that day is like a diamond. [too vague for me: "The memory - sharp/clear as diamond:"? I think the light in the next line clarifies why the memory is diamond-like. The diamond also alludes to the shape of the kite.
My father’s face was filled with loving light. [bold = suggested deletion] Jim and Roger also want the “was” deleted, so I made an adjustment.
Into the cold[,] and frisky wind we climbed and
found a high expanse to fly our kite. [Anything more interesting than "fly" come to mind? "buffet"? "encourage"?] I got rid of one of the two “and’s” in S1L3 and added another /f/ sound to suggest the gusting wind.
The uphill walk [stole his] breath.
Since the stealing of his breath occurred before the stopping and bowing and both actions are in the past, the pluperfect “had stolen” is warranted.
He stopped and bowed[,] his smile was thin and drawn.
He knew I’d have this day after his death [how about "He knew I'd always have this day" instead of spelling out the idea of death?]I’ll consider some ways to accomplish this.
and hoped I’d have his faith to carry on.
He said I’d need to hold the kite up high [I'd like to see some direct speech here. It feels like you're denying the reader something]I’ll think about this. The N calls it a memory in S1L1, so the lack of quoted speech gives it a sepia-toned quality that I rather like.
and run until he yelled to let it go.
The wind would lift it far into the sky
to join the angels watching us below.
I watched, impatient, as he tied the string
so securely to the balsa frame.
The red and yellow paper, a seraph’s wing, ["seraph" feels unnecessarily poetic to me in a forced kind of way]
The word “seraph” comes from the Hebrew word that means “burning.” In Isaiah, Chapter 6, seraphim are described as fiery angels, so the word connects not only to the fiery colors of the kite, but also to the fire that came down on Pentecost and the red vestments worn by the priest on that day.
caught air and soared above us like a flame.
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I sincerely appreciate the time and thought you both put into your comments. Thanks again.
Glenn