OK. Here are some instances of what I mean:
"Imprinting life of ours with vanity"
If you were having a conversation with someone, would you say "imprinting life of ours"? No, you would most likely say "imprinting our life."
Similarly, in the last line, you have the words in an order that we don't use in everyday speech. "And far from those who travesties foretell" - if we were saying this in conversation we would say "And far from those who foretell travesties."
I know this sort of inversion was more common in older poetry, but we don't live in the nineteenth century.
Part of the difficulty of writing formal poetry is working within the conventions of the chosen form while making it sound natural, sayable. It's possible, but it's one of those things - like ballet - where you have to work hard to achieve something that (if done well) looks easy. I hope this helps.
|