[Yves S L]

The are numerous reasons why a rhyme cannot convince. But here, the thing to focus on is what Hilary and others have already said, that you are distorting the grammar to create the rhymes.

You seem to be able to write natural clear English, but when you don your rhyming cap you start saying odd stuff:

From all the linear models of our living,
Split by vice commodities are giving;
Imprinting all our life with vanity
And chains of sanguine sanity -

One of the ways that folk try to make rhyme and meter easier to to pack abstractions which compress the line, thereby making it easier to meet the syllablic and rhyming constraints. Notice you do not actually have to describe what is meant by "linear models of our living" or "vice", or "vanity" or "sanguine sanity" or how the actions of splitting and imprinting and chaining occur, which would be much more difficult to write the verse. Obviously, I am not saying that abstractions can never be used...

You get to have the feeling of saying something grand and important while skirting the actual difficulties of communicating a POV.


No offense, but you are just starting to learn how to do rhyme and meter, and you are at a stage where the sophistication of your tastes far outmatches your technical ability.

Bridging the gap is just going to take time and effort. You have to know how to practice. One thing folk have told you to practice is rhyming without messing with the normal grammatical sequence of words.

You are not going to learn all the skills at once.