Thanks all for allowing me to believe I need not slink off in ignominy. The poem arose out of a specific prompt and my puerile reaction to it. I think it is more or less doomed. But it led me a pretty dance, which I enjoyed exploring.
Richard. You put your finger on some of its weaknesses and strengths. You and David and Trevor all agree that the James Brown riff should go. Fair enough. It was there to introduce a handbrake turn to separate one monorhyme block in pentameter from the next in a more urgent tetrameter. But its unloveliness might jar too much. Thanks for liking the “Whisper Latin in my ear”, which is also my favourite line. And yes the “unsuitable entry” was another fnaar fnaar double entendre.
David. I knew it was never a serious Poetry Society contender, so the cover letter was a deliberate self-harming. But it made a fair point I think. It’s too easy to undervalue the skill needed to make light verse work well.
Max. Indeed. I have reason to be grateful both to Melissa Balmain and Jerome Betts for publishing some of my efforts in their estimable journals.
Trevor. You and David and Richard have suggested changes in format which are well worth thinking about. I may look at rescuing some of it from the pun-driven momentum.
Cheers
Joe
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