Hello, Trevor,
This offers a thoughtful meditation on humanity's evolving relationship with weather prediction.
The poem effectively contrasts our historical approach to forecasting with modern methods, creating a subtle commentary on whether technological advancement has truly improved accuracy. Your closing line - "and still, they struggle to get it right" - delivers a poignant observation about the persistent limitations of prediction despite our sophisticated tools.
The structure works well - beginning with simple observation, progressing through scientific development, and concluding with modern technology. This progression is mirrored in your choice of the Shakespearean sonnet form, which starts in quatrains and concludes with a rhyming couplet, suggesting both closure and continuity in this ongoing human endeavor.
While examining the poem more closely, I notice that your rhyme scheme varies somewhat inconsistently (sky/why, rain/explain, sea/heat, coast/afloat). You might consider revising for more consistent rhyming or deliberately breaking from the form entirely if that better serves your purpose.
Your language is precise and evocative in many places. Phrases like "clouds' dark gestation of rain" and "divining what the world could bring" blend scientific and mystical imagery effectively. However, some lines could benefit from more distinctive imagery - "It somehow became a less simple thing" feels somewhat vague compared to your more concrete descriptions elsewhere.
The consistent use of "they" creates a deliberate distance that allows the reader to observe the observers. This detachment serves the poem's reflective tone, though it occasionally risks making the piece feel impersonal.
The transition between stanzas could be strengthened - particularly between the first and second quatrains, where we move from sky-watchers to those who "brooded over wind and sea" without clear connection or contrast.
The volta to modern forecasting works conceptually, though the shift to "laptop light" feels somewhat abrupt after the more atmospheric language of previous stanzas. You might consider introducing more technological elements earlier to prepare for this transition.
This is a nuanced piece with strong potential. In addition to developing the "predict, not explain" concept, you might consider whether the poem would benefit from a more explicit emotional stance toward these changes in forecasting methods.
I hope you find something useful here as you revise, Trevor. Good luck with the piece—I see lots of potential to it!
Cheers,
...Alex
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