Originally Posted by Matt Q
N's tone is very measured for a story of betrayal and the ending of relationship that's being told on the day it happened. One might expect some anger, or bitterness or recriminations in the immediate aftermath. I did wonder if you started the poem, "That day" instead of "Today" it would allow for some time to have passed for the N to have realised that actually the ending was a good thing, and this might better account for the measured tone. Of course, he may have come to this realisation immediately and consequently felt quite calm about it all. Anyway, just a thought.
This is an excellent point. In the first version, the N is still struggling with his shock and confusion at the betrayal. When I changed the last line from “set herself free” to “set us both free,” I am implying that the N realizes that the breakup was for the best, and he seems to be an older and wiser version of the betrayed young man. I removed “Today” to make this clear.
In S1, I wonder if there's a little too much distancing, "the lies", "the abuses", and I wondered if at least one of the "the"s should be replaced by "her"? Done.
"unexplained absences", seems something of a well-worn phrase, plus I wonder if there's something less abstract/technical sounding? "The nights she stayed out late", say? (perhaps that not much fresher, but it is less abstract). I dunno, maybe it's just that I find, "receipts, unexplained absences" lacking in music.
I think “late night homecomings” is at least more specific if not more musical.
S2L6, "overlooked" is somewhat ambiguous. It can mean he didn't notice the clues, or it can mean he noticed them but let them pass. Probably context is enough to tie down which sense is intended, but maybe a different verb? I like this word precisely because of that ambiguity. The N is surprised at his own gullibility. “Of course” she was lying. How could he have missed it? Perhaps because subconsciously he wanted to.
Here in S3:
I stayed composed by straining every muscle
while listening to the curt apology
she offered, like a bowl brimful of acid.
My first thought that was that "she offered" seems redundant insofar as it tells me nothing knew. I already know who's apologising.
Then I started to wonder what, exactly, was "like a bowl brimful of acid". Grammatically, it seems to say, "Like a bowl brimful of acid, I stayed composed by straining every muscle ...". I think it's much more likely you mean that the apology is offered as one would offer bowl of acid. In which case, I think you have an errant comma in that line. Lose it and these lines make more sense to me, and in addition the offering part no longer seems redundant since it connects to the image of offering a bowl. Agreed. Removing the comma fixes the dangling modifier.
a premonition, threatening and alarming,
now, just a paper cut, deep in the skin,
I think you need to lose the comma after "now".
The comma here is more musical than grammatical. I want a pause after “now” to emphasize the contrast between his first reaction to the betrayal as a stab to the heart and his realization that it was more of a painful (but possibly therapeutic) inconvenience.
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