Thanks for these responses and perspectives, Alessio and Julie!
Alessio, your response shows you’re well engaged with what the poem is trying to do in terms of mood, actions, and outcome! It's really gratifying to hear that those opening lines captured the authentic feeling of club experiences for you. Your description of OTEL in Florence - that sense of "vague twisting black shadow on beat to the music" with feelings as "frenzied as the sight" - captures well what I was trying to convey with "blaze" and the immediacy of that scanning moment. Your appreciation for the word choice of "blaze" over alternatives like "pass" or "fly" shows you understand the club-scene intensity and chaos I wanted to evoke. That's exactly the kind of visceral, almost overwhelming sensation the poem aims to capture in those opening lines. And it means a lot how you, as a reader, connect with the sensory and emotional truth of what the poem is trying to express. Your comment gives me confidence that the poem is achieving its intended effect of capturing those fleeting, intense moments of attraction and connection in club settings. Thank you for taking the time to share your thoughtful response!
Julie, thank you for your detailed critique. While we clearly have different perspectives on the poem, I appreciate you taking the time to engage with it so thoroughly. Regarding your specific points:
"Just time enough" is standard English emphasizing minimal duration - the same construction as "just enough money" or "just enough space." "Fête" here simply means "to honor" or "celebrate" (per Merriam-Webster, one definition, applicable here is “to pay high honor to”), which is perfectly appropriate for appreciating someone's beauty—and I see using fete as an intensifier of the act of celebrating the person, especially as it relates to the speaker’s group. Still, if this word feels “off” to several readers, I may need to find a different word here!
And "Fecund" is used in its aesthetic sense of fertility and vitality—especially in a metaphorically nuanced sense—the visual appeal of youth and life force, not literal reproductive capacity, and certainly not as a reference to motherhood. Nubile" or another adjective might communicate the sense of youthful allure more cleanly, and I may revisit that… and the rhymes.
The "insight" refers to wisdom gained through experience and aging, distilled over years. "Left in homes" refers to the speakers in their later years, placed in elder care facilities—the contrast between the vibrant nights of youth and the containment of old age
The line break creates a visual metaphor for the separation between youth and age, with the final phrase representing the distance we've traveled from those earlier experiences: the break is meant to suggest a kind of temporal gap mimicking the gulf between youth and old age. But I can also see how it could come off as overemphasis, especially if the payoff isn’t dramatic enough for everyone. I’ll keep an eye on whether it serves or detracts from the poem’s closure as further feedback comes in.
On agency and gender, I do see how the poem’s perspective could be critiqued for its focus on the male gaze and the fleeting, almost de-personalized connections depicted. The poem intentionally leans into the limitations and consequences of that viewpoint, but I agree that further nuance could make this clearer—or perhaps universalize the theme even more, as Matt suggested earlier.
I understand the poem may not resonate with everyone, and I respect that different readers will have different responses to its themes and approach. Poetry often works differently for different readers and audiences, and that's part of the art form's nature.
Thus, in the final analysis, I’m hoping that even with the poem’s concise characterizations, there are enough anchors of the sense and meaning to connect the dots and sort out the layers of significance. Or if not, to at least determine the most straightforward meaning of the poem (assuming I didn’t have to explain as much as I’ve done with this poem—contrary to my usual tendency!)
Thank you again for your engagement with the poem. It really helps to see how readers are reading and understanding it. And even though it might seem like a mixed bag thus far, I’m I’m grateful to see the poem spark this range of engagement and that several are following most of what the poem is attempting to do.
Cheers,
…Alex
|