[James Brancheau]

Hi Harry—Partly because you have so many undeveloped abstractions/general terms thrown around here like shame, guilt, love, empathy, failure, I find it hard to get a grip on this. Also, some words seem to be chosen solely based on rhyme and, in my view, rather haphazardly steer the poem in different directions. Sound is great—I can’t, it seems, work without it, but there needs to be more reason with the rhyme. (In the process of writing, sound helps me to find things that I wouldn’t have otherwise thought of—moments that surprise. It is a tool that can open doors, but not every, or any door.) So, obviously, my suggestion is that you should try to find more focus for this poem. Perhaps a particular scene that you can build on, jump off from. Like Glenn, the beginning of this poem made me think of the dissection of a frog in class. (I believe I had to do that in high school… does everyone have to do that??) I would actually love that idea here… But that’s just an example.

But I may not have commented on this if I didn’t find much to like. Below are the parts that resonated the most with me—what I would focus on if I were to attempt to write this out.

Crucified, exposed, a rigor mortis pose. (love this as an opening)
Trapped in a glass prison, thick skin will glisten. (“prison” isn’t fresh, but could perhaps work with it, and it goes with the above)
Self destructive games require therapy cranes. (interesting, though I don’t like “games”)
Each bubble falls and they shake from withdrawals. (interesting, and the image works)
Wise from old age at this life stage. (maybe)
Love and empathy spring far like hind legs. (for sure, could work as a close/penultimate line)

Just my opinion, of course, for what it’s worth. Good luck with it.