Originally Posted by Trevor Conway
I haven't fully considered all feedback yet, but here is a new version. Stanza break added before last two lines; "they" removed before "amassed"; lines 9 and 11 changed to avoid the weak rhyme highlighted by Glenn.
Hi Trevor,
I get a bit confused at the overall progression here. The first four lines say that once people just watched the sky and looked for signs. The next four seem to contradict this, saying instead that some people collected data and studied reports. If you want this to be a chronological progression, I'd say you need to do something to indicate this. On the other hand, if you want the two to coexist contemporaneously, then maybe change "they" to "some" in L1.
To, the poem maybe makes more sense if the studying reports etc comes later than just looking for signs, uninterested in causes. Then there's a progression: first studying the sky for signs, next there's making a science, collecting reports etc, then finally, there's getting overwhelmed by the data. In that's what you're after, I'd find a way to indicated that and also separate the first stanza in two. A quick fix might be:
Once, they simply watched the sky,
the clouds’ dark gestation of rain.
There was little as to the how and why:
they sought to predict, not explain.
Later, brooding over wind and sea,
they studied reports across the coast
and made a science of pressure and heat,
sent ambitious balloons afloat.
I found the closing couplet a little disappointing. Essentially, "and they still can't get the weather right" seems a little like the punchline for a piece of light verse, but the somewhat sombre tone/voice of the rest of the poem (which I think is well done) seems at odds with this, and had me to expecting something more, something a little deeper, or perhaps just differently worded. I wonder if it might be worth trying shifting the grammatic subject to the weather, so that it's no longer so much that they struggle to predict, but that the weather actively eludes being tied down say?
I'm not convinced "aghast" is the right word. Maybe a little OTT and out of voice, hence maybe slightly comedic? Or maybe it's just too intense to match "hopeful" with which it's paired. A better match for hopeful might be "despondent" or "depressed", for example. Actually "downcast" would work, albeit the first the syllable is more strongly stressed, you might get away with it as a rhyme.
Metrically, there's some variation in feet per line. Is that intended? Most lines seem to be tetrameter, but there's also trimeter:
they SOUGHT to preDICT, not exPLAIN
It SOMEhow beCAME more comPLEX
and pentameter:
OTHers BROODEDed OVer WIND and SEA
LEAVing FARMers HOPEful OR aGHAST
best,
Matt
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