Hi Alex,
I'm not sure how accurate my interpretation is, but this seemed to be about a club scene, then, at the end, remembering one's youth. I was intrigued and engaged in the first three lines, but then you lost me. It just felt like the poem/idea got swamped in verbiage (if I'm using that word correctly). I then re-engaged towards the end. I'd suggest simpllifying the middle section, using some simpler language in parts, maybe some short lines for a chnage in rhythm/flow, and potentially developing the idea/thought there a bit more.
I didn't understand your use of "whet" or "the homage honed on fecund frame" (if it refers to an attractive person, it seems overwritten/unnecessarily opaque, but my interpretation may wrong there).
The first line was particularly effective - nicely phrased, without too much obscurity. I'd say more in a similar vein would work well.
All the best, Alex
Trev
Quote:
Originally Posted by Alex Pepple
Chronicles of the Clubs
Then love would blaze through us within a second—
just time enough to scan silhouette,
fête blonde or not, the homage honed on fecund
frame, face, as the allure was whet.
Insight distilled through years of twilit blights,
till left in homes
beyond our bygone nights.
--------
L3: "fete" > "fête"; "chorus" > "homage"
L5: "Foresight" > "insight"
L6: "held" > "left"
L7: "yesterday's" > "our bygone" |