Thank you all for the continued attention to the poem and your thoughtful suggestions for improvement.
Matt, I'm glad "insight" works better for you. Regarding the sentence clarity, I suspect "distilled" wasn't landing as intended, so I've reverted to "evolved," from older drafts—which feels more straightforward while still conveying development over time. You're right that the phrasing seemed to suggest "insight" was what's left in homes. I've changed "left" to "placed" (which better suggests institutional placement) and added an em dash to clarify that it’s the men themselves and not insight in the homes.
Trevor, thank you for identifying what's working and what needs clarification. I'm pleased the opening resonates! For the middle section, I've simplified the language considerably. "The homage honed on" is now "our reverence aimed at," and "allure" has become "desire" - hopefully making the intended sense clearer while maintaining the poem's impact. So, even with “whet” maintained as it works on various levels, including the punning level, it should be more straightforward.
James, I appreciate your thoughtful engagement and can understand the initial confusion with "us" and "our." But I agree it could easily suggest something more specific or ambiguous at first read. Your points about accessibility align with Matt's and Trevor's observations, so the simplifications I've made should address those concerns while preserving what's working in the poem.
Thank you all for helping me see where clarity was needed. I hope these revisions make the poem more accessible while maintaining its essential character.
Cheers,
...Alex
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