Hi Joe, I think that keeping your original conception of alternating four- and three-foot lines is doable. As Matt suggested, "at the face that I don't recognise" is a fix for L2. I'm sure there are similar fixes for the others.
I didn't say this in my earlier comment, but I did like the abruptness of your original L8. Maybe "That face. I can't meet its eyes" would work? It's not perfectly anapestic but I think you can get away with it because of the period.
I also think your revision of L6 doesn't work grammatically.
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