Hi Alex,
I enjoyed the poem's exuberance but it seemed to take a bit too long to get into its stride.
What fruit arrays bedeck Whole Foods;
Sets up an expectation of plenty that the next three lines don't deliver. And, for me, any list of fruits is going to be judged against "Goblin Market". Could you skip listing them and simply have your eyes drawn to L4?
L6, are you missing a comma after 'culture'?
in hours with these clusters for lunch.
This nudged me out of the poem, and what is 'in hours' bringing?
Rubbed smooth by store hands, with each bunch
in fluorescence that gems its shine.
Are they really rubbed smooth by store hands? And do you need the observation? Is it supposed to contrast with the barefoot maids?
Here gleams what ancients deemed divine.
And here's where the poem hits its stride.
Your teeth will pierce them in sweet rite,
your tongue will stain red bite by bite.
Given the earlier vermilion, 'red' rather limps in.
The barefoot maids, in wine dance, pressed
the vintage. Gods and mortals blessed
this fruit—from Olympian feast
'This fruit' makes it feel like you've reversed the order (pressed/blessed) somehow.
in pharaohs will flow like a flood
Very nice.
across your lips as spring breathes thick
in vows refreshed by your red lipstick.
I agree with Glenn on the mismatched stress of thick/lipstick (and also think the repetition of 'red' is weak.)
RG
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