Thanks, Richard, for your detailed and thoughtful critique. Your points about pacing and word choices were particularly helpful—I've made several revisions that I hope address your concerns about the opening momentum and some of the repetitive elements you flagged.
The thick/lipstick stress issue you and Glenn both noted has been reworked, and I've tried to tighten some of the phrasing throughout. I appreciate your close attention to the craft elements—it's exactly the kind of feedback that helps push a poem toward its best version.
A revised version is posted now. Thanks again for the careful read!
Cheers,
…Alex
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