Hi Alex,
This is improving step by step, but to me the first half of the poem does not read as smoothly as the second now does. Some lines read too much as if they are trying to mask their search for rhymes by using creative wording. For instance, “Gems its shine” clunks imo. I think some punctuation changes could add clarity. Here are some ideas to consider:
The fruit arrays bedeck Whole Foods.
Past the bristled coconuts, more goods
throng: melons, vermillion mangoes,
freckled bananas. Then, the rows
of red grapes, with eight thousand years
of culture, ripen as our picnic nears.
In hours, one cluster will dress up lunch.
Misted, gems on display, each bunch
jewel-like beneath fluorescent shine,
here gleams what ancients deemed divine………..
All the best,
Jim
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