Hi Alex,
You've made some major changes for the better. Sometimes the word by word potshot approach to revision doesn't work as well as biting the bullet and giving a piece a major overhaul. One of the things I admire in your work is your attention to sounds. I know that desire makes it trickier to make sense and have a piece read smoothly sometimes, but I'm glad you think it's worth finding a way to keep them in, and I think so too. I liken it to the way a musician finds one lick on a guitar or a piece of melody on a piano and then the rest of the song evolves. Those first few notes have to stay at the heart of the piece.
Jim
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