David -
Was that the best you could do in seven minutes? Yes, there's some nice word play there with "lie", but it's already been done to death.
Sorry but, while you do establish a certain air of inner doubt here that has promise, the meter's off, a rhythm is never established, every line is end stopped, and the monorhyme is more clever than good, and not enough to save this.
Michael
PS - Carol - enjambment would be a big help.
[This message has been edited by Michael Cantor (edited May 12, 2006).]
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