This is one of the best, if not the best in the selection.
The Lariat points out a problem with voice but I don't see it as such. The agreement to be a part of this poem stands as a solid reminder that prose and poetry generally differ in terms of narrator/listener assignment making.
It was so quick. The kitten frisked;
with one ungainly bound
she struck the spokes of my brother's bike
as they went spinning 'round.
*Extraneous use of SO in so quick
Her tiny body in the wheel
made a tuneless strum
and a tawny circlet around the hub.
We kids stood stricken dumb.
*Extraneous use of AND in L3
As eldest, every eye was turned
toward me. A splat of red
on the sidewalk broke into my trance.
"Get Mom. The kitten's dead."
The Lariat stumbles here as I do.
But not significantly so. Adding THE to eldest is helpful, as is deleting WAS.
As the eldest, all eyes turned
toward(s)me....
Then:
Extraneous use of INTO in L3, suggest
..on the sidewalk AND broke my trance
(in which the word AND is used as it should be used.)
She freed the broken little corpse
and told us to be brave.
We prayed there would be a happy home
beyond the backyard grave.
As a nonmetrical kind of person, I find too many syllables in this stanza (and Rose apparently agrees much to my delight) for natural speech. Suggest:
She freed the broken corpse,
told us to be brave.
We prayed THERE'D be a home
beyond the backyard grave.
*Happy is extraneous here. I heartily advice the conjunction!
That night, she tucked us kids in bed
and played Ave Maria.
I thought about the quick and the dead
and Daddy in Korea.
*Weak in L1. Suggest:
AT night she tucked us all in bed
and played Ave Maria,
I thought about the quick and the dead,
THEN Daddy in Korea.
No comma betweeen night and she...not helpful in terms of the stop that is intended and not consistent with the previous stanzas.
FINAL and KILLER last line. The mark of a very well made poem.
Kudos.
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