I like the shake ache internals, Mark. I would eliminate every "and" that begins a line. Nothing wrong with an acephalic five syllable trimeter line. Varies the rhythm, and breathes life into the composition. What we seek isn't necessarily strict accentual syllabic counts, but live rhythms. Finally, I don't like the ign/ ind slants, and I think you could make all your lines rhyme. Look at the trims on the thread, and you won't find much abcb. Here's Alicia's favorite Murphy poem, like yours written in couplets:
The Last Sodbusters
Wibaux, Montana, 1907
“Rain follows the plough!”
the pamphleteers proclaim.
Does grass follow the cow
or wind, the weathervane?
Care furrows the brow
and bows the straightest frame.
Thistles follow the plow,
and hail threshes the grain.
I'm not suggesting you employ quadruple rhyme, just observing that you should elevate your sights in your employment of rhyme, which is the weakest aspect of this draft.
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