Tim,
This is valuable advice, thank you.
Maybe it's my exposure to the 17th C., but I have this almost compulsive need to get all the syllables as well as the beats. I do see from your example that the apocopation works to increase energy, but I still resist it. I shall experiment.
The slant rhymes are uncommon for me. I usually chime like a gong, and get weary of folk suggesting I tone it down. I thought I would try for the muted chimes in this for a change. My preference is for full rhyme, and I might take your advice to use it here.
Clive,
You are so right to see the single sentence, it is so obvious now I see it. I will certainly re-punctuate as you suggest, which leaves me with the conjunctions. Again I blame the 17th C, and especially Donne, who holds the record for connectives in English poetry - av of 24/10 lines, where most have 12-18/10.
I thank you for your help.
Fascinating discussion of the "virtual beat."
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Mark Allinson
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