Thread: Open Mic
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Unread 05-02-2004, 04:10 PM
Lee Gurga Lee Gurga is offline
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Join Date: Apr 2004
Location: Lincoln, Illinois, USA
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Carol, Wow! What a difference without the titles! I have to confess that I like the last the best. The first is OK, but generally, one finds that "cause and effect" haiku (i.e., wind---->button coat) are not the most resonant kind. I think the second version of the "hunter" haiku is more effective: the "shh!" brings the reader right into the poem. If I might make a suggestion, you might consider "Hunters approach and" for the first line. Several reasons:
1. "At" is an empty word here . . . almost like beginning a haiku with an article, which I generally try to avoid unless necessary.
2. While I generally avoid ending a line with "and", I think it helps create an effective sense of incompleteness here luring us (prey that we are!) into the second line. this also combines with the "and" in the next line effectively.

Lee
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