Thread: Open Mic
View Single Post
  #31  
Unread 05-03-2004, 03:34 PM
Lee Gurga Lee Gurga is offline
Distinguished Guest
 
Join Date: Apr 2004
Location: Lincoln, Illinois, USA
Posts: 265
Post

I see nyctom has broken the seventeen syllable barrier. This gives me a chance to comment on what is all to familiar a problem with 17 syllable haiku in English: saying too much. In reference to your:

moonset, and morning
—late again—rushes to catch
the last train, workbound

I find it an interesting haiku really excellent till we get to the last half of the third line. (Though admittedly theres seems to be some problem with the subject of "rushes.) Then the poem is spoiled slightly, from the perspective of haiku aesthetics, by saying too much with "workbound," which is implied clearly enough with the phrase "late enough." Much better as a haiku, in the opinion of this humble editor, as:

moonset, and morning
—late again—rushes to catch
the last train

BTW, your "orion" reminds me of a well-known, prize-winning minimalist haiku (I believe it is by Jerry Kilbride):

mime
lifing
fog

Lee
Reply With Quote