Christy,
Well, my thoughts—I certainly wouldn’t put them in the realm of insights--but I am delighted to have been or some service. Yes, as you observed, the new version of the first poem is still a bit busy. Please notice that the third line is still an interpretation of sorts. In the best haiku, the poet allow things to speak for themselves. That is not to say that mental perceptions are not a part of haiku. If you look at the poems I posted on the “haiku form?” thread last night, you will see lots of mental perceptions. This partly results from haiku’s origins in a Buddhist culture in which the mind is simply one of the senses and thus doesn’t face the temptation to “rule” the other senses.
Yes, it is always difficult to give up our pet lines, as you describe them, no easier for me than it is for you! We are all sinners! Lord, have mercy!
Not only does the third line not need to be a summing up or value judgment, you would be well-served to assume it should NEVER be that.
Lee
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