I think it is clever, and one of the best examples of a sonnenizio I have seen. For the most part, it manages to keep saying different things, despite the repetition of "leaves." The syntax is somewhat crabbed, but still intelligible. I like the ending, with its implication that leaving first is a kind of cowardice. Like a sestina (which I also have reservations about), a sonnenizio risks saying the same thing over and over, and I don't think this one totally escapes the problem of overlapping ideas. Of course, its model, the Shakespeare poem, also can be accused of that.
Susan
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