I'm with Carol on this one. Were the author to turn this into a caudate sonnet, it might prove more satisfying.
I'm in the anti-"upon" camp and am also not too keen on the word "aglow". I also keep wanting to read "have become" instead of "became" in L13.
Finally, if the reader is not familiar with the lyrics of the song mentioned, then L14 might be a little mystifying.
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