Maryann,
If I may make a comment on your piece -
I like this one, as well as the original one. It evokes a certain feeling (and I mean that in a sensual way), but I find it static. Each line repeats a moment and the piece fails to progress in terms of space and time.
The juxtaposition or the caesura of haiku implies a leap, either in time or space or both.
But the static nature of your haiku may work for others. I s'pose my crit isn't so much a crit but an opinion.
Incidentally, has anyone come across Pierre Reverdy's notion of the poetic image? Whilst he never wrote haiku himself, the presence of a juxtaposing cut in the form of haiku reminds me of his idea that:
"[the poetic image] is not born from a comparison but from a juxtaposition of two more or less distant realities.
"The more distant and true the relationship between the two realities, the stronger the image will be - the more emotional power and poetic reality it will have."
I have this idea in mind whenever I'm writing haiku! It's almost as though Pierre were talking about haiku.....
Stuart
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