Quote:
Originally posted by Lei Price:
(Stephen, thanks for your continuing help - I've tried again, as you see.)
And Lee, thanks very much in advance. I'm entirely new to haiku also.
I have a question about punctuation. Is it generally left off? Put in? Your choice?
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Hi Lei . . . it's Lee!
Punctuation. Punctuation can be used to break, equate, throw forward, stop. Traditional japanese haiku don't have punctuation, but have kireji or cutting words that perform that function. (And make up a part of the sound count of the haiku. So if you insist that 17 syllables is the correct form for haiku, which is of course your right, then you should count each of these marks as one syllable.) So please punctuate away if you please. The important thing is that everything in the poem should contribute to the poem. There should be no "default" punctuation in a haiku, like a period at the end to tell the reader "this is the end of the poem." I use punctuation maybe half the time,but only to a purpose. In fact, I have only once ever used a period in a haiku. Here it is--you can decide for yourself whether you think it belongs:
his side of it.
her side of it.
winter silence
(Please note that there is not a period at the end of the poem.)
Enough on punctuation for now?
And now to your poems . . . which I am going to look at with an "editorial eye." I have a haiku buddy i get together with every month so we can critique each others poems. I am going to comment on these as if they were Randy's and I was sitting across the table from him.
Behind the house
apple branches break
bears grow fatter
OK, I have several questions about this one. First, why behind the house as opposed to in front of it or next to it? I am good with the branches breaking, depending on what else is going on in the poem. I am not sure why you have "bears grow fatter" to finish the poems. Is the point that they are eating the apples? Or is there some other reason< the season, perhaps? As a reader, I am not sure. If it is the season, then it seems redundant since the apples have already told us what the season is. If it is because they are eating the apples, i wonder what the point is. After all, bears can climb trees, can't they? Now if the bears are breaking the branches, that is something else, but i don't really get that out of the poem.
cold sails
billow in the wind
a moonlit lake
nice.
Brown eyes follow me
tail wagging, mouth apant -
I prefer the cat.
I prefer the second haiku. By the way, I love "apant". At first i thought it was a typo! (Duh!)
Lee